My Sexual Abuse
By C.N.
May 26, 2004

My Sexual Abuse.

From the age of 8 on, (it may have started earlier but I don't remember), my father would stick his fingers into my anus after and while he spanked me.

At 10 after a particularly savage beating in which I argued about it, my father came up to my room afterwards, under guise of making sure their was no damage, made me pull down my pants and underpants under threat of another beating and raped me, holding my head to the pillow, threatening me with death if I screamed or told anyone.

At 11 my father brought me down to his printing plant on a Saturday under guise of showing me his business and beat me and raped me.

At 12 my father took me on a trip with him to Philadelphia to buy some printing equipment, we stayed in a hotel and he beat me and raped me.

My Spankings

I grew up the oldest of three kids in a small town in NH. My parents were the hardest on me. I don't remember my brother or sister ever getting spanked. I got spanked a good number of times.

I have only a handful of memories before age 8.

The first spanking I remember was when I was 8. I don't remember what I did wrong but I do remember that my father really beat my bare bottom real hard for that in the bathroom.

The next spanking I remember was also when I was 8. I had gotten into my mother's perfume in my parent's room and she got angry with me and pulled down my pants and underpants and spanked my bare bottom real hard with her hand.

When I was in 3rd grade. Two boys and I got in trouble. The teacher kept us behind when the rest of the class went to recess. She pulled down our pants and underpants and took us over her lap and spanked our bare bottoms hard with a ruler. We had to watch each other get their bare bottoms spanked.

I was at a pediatrician friend of my mother's house playing with their two sons, who were my age. We were in their bedroom with our pants and underpants down around our ankles exploring each other's bodies. The father came into the room and got angry and gave each one of us a good hard sound bare bottom spanking with his hand in front of each other.

When I was in fourth grade a teacher told my parents that I needed more discipline.. They took it to mean that I needed to be spanked more. So they decided that I needed to get spanked every week for a number of weeks. So every week after my bath I would get my bare bottom spanked by my father with his hand.

When I was 10 I was out playing with a gang of younger kids. I made this kid pull down his pants and photographed his bare bottom. When the pictures came back from developing my mother noticed the picture of the kid's bare bottom and she got real angry at me and my parents confronted me with it and I tried to lie about it. It came out that I photographed that kid's bare bottom. They were furious. My mother was adamat that I get spanked and my mother insisted that my father spank me. My father was furious and went out to the garage and got a piece of 1x3. My brother and sister were there in the living room. My father made me pull down my pants and underpants and he beat me over his lap with that piece of 1x3 really hard for a good long time and when I cried he said that he would beat me harder. Then they let me get up and go to my room.

Another time when I was 10 I was playing doctor with this other little girl my age. She made me take off all my clothes and played doctor with me. She told me about a place where she had been where people went around without their clothes. We almost got caught When I got home I was around my brother and some neighbors. I pulled down my pants to demonstrate what she told me about and my brother ratted me out to my parents.

My parents got furious and dragged me in and confronted me. It came out that I had played doctor with the little girl and they were furious. My mother insisted that my father spank me I tried to resist. They insisted My father went out to the garage and got a piece of 1x3. My brother and sister and the neighbors were there in the living room. My father made me pull down my pants and underpants and pulled me over his lap and beat my bare bottom with that piece of 1x3 real hard for a good long time and when I cried they said to stop and he would beat me harder. Then they let me get up and go to my room.

The last time I got beaten was when I was 14. My sister was torturing me. They told me that I needed to be tough and not let them get to me. Well I got furious at my sister and punched her. She ran into my father and complained. My sister and my brother and a neighbor friend were there in the living room. My father got furious at me and he went and got a piece of metal bar. He made me pull down my pants and underpants and beat my bare bottom with that piece of metal bar real hard for a good long time. He apologized after the fact for losing control but not for the beating.

I don't remember how many times I was hit in each instance, but my gut tells me that it was a lot and the last 3 were for a good long time.

Every year on my birthday I would get a birthday spanking which was given over my clothes the number of years I was plus five for good measure.

From the time I was 12 on I got fascinated with spanking and spanked myself in private. As a teenager I would spank myself and jerk off. I drew pictures about spanking and wrote stories about spanking.

When I was thirteen I played spanking with a couple of neighbor kids. I gathered that they got spanked and we spanked each other over our clothes over our laps.

I had a conversation with my brother recently to check out my sense that he wasn't spanked. He said he was spanked 3 times up to the age of nine, no more than 5 swats to the bare bottom. By comparison mine were several magnitudes worse than his, particularly the last 3.

Thoughts and Suspicions about spanking

I don't have many memories before age 8 and not that many between 8 and 12. I did some journalling when I was with my first therapist and wrote down thoughts and suspicions about other spankings.

When I was smaller probably 6 or so and I was dressed up in some new clothes and I went outside and got them dirty and got spanked for it.

Incident at 7 when I was in the doctor's office and had to take off all my clothes and was left alone for quite a while and I don't know what happened but I ran outside naked. I don't know if anything happened, but I suspect I must have been most definitely soujndly spanked for it.

I recall getting a whole series of bare bottom spankings after my bath when I was 9 or 10 on Saturday. I have reason to believe these spankings may have been associated with a demerit system.

Strong Willed and willful. It was reported that when I was told to do something, I would do the opposite. Apparently if they told me not to do something I did it, so they told me to do things they wanted me not to do. I suspect I got spanked a lot around this.

7-9 My father would say "I'm going to come in there and spank you if you don't be quiet and go to sleep". There may have been some incidents where I was bothering my mother in the store and she threatened me with being spanked on the spot there in the supermarket.

The spanking did very little for my behavior in 4th grade I got a D in conduct and Penmanship, and did a whole bunch of bad things nobody knew about.

I think. I definitely remember getting birthday spankings up to the age of 14. I remember being confused, humiliated and embarassed. They weren't on my bare bottom and they weren't hard, but because of the earlier incidents. For me, I was constantly threatened with being spanked. There were always these threats around, and they carried out these threats as well. From what I can tell, I was spanked a lot as a child. I believe I was one of the cases where it snowballs. It became I believe a bad habit for my parents that got worse and worse, and they didn't learn any more effective parenting skills. I guess by the time I was 10, I was sick of it and got very angry and the two incidents that I remember when I was 10, escalated, as I was sick of it and resistant to it and argued with them. My mother would drink, be enraged, threaten me with being spanked, I would go out to our toolshed and beat myself, photograph myself and masturbate. It became a regular thing. I guess out of rage and frustration acting out my abuse. I started again drawing pictures and writing stories about spanking.

I got shamed for crying "Big Boys don't Cry" you know, and told "If you cry I am going to beat you harder". Or I'll give you something to cry about. My parents believed that a child's bottom was there tobe spanked, and the fat on the bottom would protect them from being hurt by the spanking

My parents claimed they spanked my bare bottom because if they didn't spank me with my pants down, I wouldn't feel it enough. I wonder if I would have felt it enough with just my pants down over my underpants, but my parents wouldn't think so. My parents also spanked me on my bare bottom because they claimed that that way they could tell if they were injuring my bottom. I think my parents preferred to spank my bare bottom because they could see how red my fat, lilly white bottom would get when they spanked it. "We Spanked you on your bottom because you won't feel it there. You don't have a lot of feelings there.". It won't hurt you if we hit you there because of the fat. We are doing it because we love you. This hurts me more than it does you.

My parents used to threaten me with being spanked for nothing or just because my bottom was too fat. Several times when I was 16 my mother threatened me with being spanked just to get me upset, realizing (as she thought that I hated being spanked) and used that to manipulate me, but those threats were never carried out.

Frequently, my little sister and little brother would start trouble just to see me get angry and I did. Several times I got in trouble for lashing out when they picked on me.

I believe when I was 6 or 7, maybe as late as 8 my mother gave me a spanking in a store.

I think my mother got called to a parent-teacher conference and I got spanked afterwards.

When I tried to get my parents attention, I got spanked.

Issues I think I got spankings for:

The Effects of My Childhood Abuse

As a teenager I developed a serious habitual shoplifting problem that went on regularly for 6 months or more. Eventually I got caught and got referred to counseling which ended with a Family therapy session where I got dumped on.

As a teenager I developed a serious Exhibitionism Problem. Fortunately nobody else but me knew about it. It would have been very damaging if it were discovered to my family who were public figures.

It made me a real Mean Kid. Once a kid told me about a humiliating spanking he received and I tormented and humiliated him something fierce and spanked him. Another time a kid on the way to a private school I attended was obsessing about their being a spanking machine at a nearby school. It triggered my rage and I determined to give him a birthday spanking. Instead, I assaulted him and knocked him to the ground and clobbered him.

I developed a serious Spanking fetish that developed at age 12. As a young adult, I would bring home young, unsuspecting men home for sex and beat them. They didn't say no or stop, but it was still abusive since it was not consensual.

I was depressed as a teenager and borderline sexually compulsive.

As a young adult, I was in a black rage depression for a number of years.

I was seriously shut down and shut off from my feelings and in my head, my therapist said cut off from the neck down. After I started therapy, I developed chronic insomnia and serious back problems with no organic cause. I Developed a tremendous amount of anger and rage that only resolved with anti-depressants.

The Problems With Spanking Fetishes

I know about this intimately. I have had a spanking fetish for 34 years since I was 12, it is very pronounced. I know many people in this world, partly through yahoo groups of which there are many.

One may say A Spanking fetish isn't that bad, while it isn't considered a psychological problem unless it is troubling to the person, people are being hurt or stops one from being able to enjoy other sex, I see many problems with it.

It can be a very lonely existence if it is a serious and essential part of one's life. I know people in rural parts of the south who travel over 150 miles to find someone to play with. It can be very difficult to find someone to engage in that in a relationship the way one wants, particularly in a rural area. It is hard enough to find someone you are attracted to, who you are emotionally compatible with, who you share other interests and are into spanking the way you are. Many resort to open relationships or play around on the side discretely so their partner does not know.

Some people get aroused by looking at drawings of children and teens, mainly teens, being spanked and beaten in most abusive, humiliating, degrading, embarrassing ways.

Some people get aroused by writing and reading stories of children and teens getting spanked and beaten in most abusive, humiliating, degrading, embarrassing ways.

Some people enjoy watching videos of violent beatings and spankings where the recipient is in serious pain and distress.

Some guys are into getting beaten till they are bruised or they have discomfort and difficulty sitting down.

Some people with it allow themselves to be treated very badly, when it is not good for them or enjoyable and even when thinking about the experience makes them upset emotionaly.

Come claim not to be into it in a sexual sense but only as punishment and "mentorship".

Some seek to be Raped afterwards receiving it.

A couple men I know are into getting it extremely hard such that their butt is bloody and continue well past their butt being bloody.

One of them only remembers a handful of moderate spankings (no more than 10 swats over the clothes with the hand) which ended at age 10.

They sometimes confuse what they enjoy with what is good for kids, being more ok with harsher treatment of kids and ok with doing it at older ages like late teens.

Some are into seriously angry, confrontational and humiliating role plays.

Some are into humiliating others or being humiliated.

Some are into washing out other's mouth with soap or having it done to them.

One might argue that these are relatively rare, but a survey of college students reported that around 20% engaged in adult spanking behavior, some only start engage in it after college and some never go to college, some start engaging in it as late as 55.

One might think that only a real lot of spanking and real severe stuff causes this. While this is true of some people, some recall only 1 or 2 spankings, sometimes before the age of 6. Some had only minor stuff done to them.

Some identify the beginnings of that fetish as early as 4-6 years of age.

One man I know at age 5 beat his own butt till it was bloody with a switch.

Some as children and teens engage in spanking other children.

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