Dear Mom,

While I appreciate the good things you did for me, I’m very unforgiving for the bad things you did to me under the guise of “discipline.” It is not easy to write this letter since I’m now revealing the pain I have felt for so long, but never had the courage to express until the present. I’m not writing this letter to purposely hurt you, but to tell the truth that I was forbidden to tell as a minor. The following punishments I received still burn in my memory and I won’t forgive you for them as long as you feel justified for doing them. You might not remember them, but I sure do:

• Age 9—I was forced to strip nude and to let you beat me with a plastic bottle just because I was screaming in the house.
• Age 13—You yelled at me for an unknown reason and forced me to laugh and talk (it was [my older sister’s] 16th birthday) or you’d “help me remember” (probably with hits).
• Age 14—You slapped me across the face twice just because I didn’t come the first time when you called.
• Age 16—When we were cleaning up our house back in Chicago, you threatened to strangle me just because I wasn’t watching your purse.

It is sad and ridiculous that I had to wait until I was 18 to not be hit. It’s even sadder and ridiculous that our society feels that hitting adults and even pets is abuse, yet hitting children is “discipline.” I know that in your time, there wasn’t any information about the harmful effects of hitting kids, but that’s no excuse now! There are many books and websites that explain the detrimental effects of beating children. Sadly, many people would rather live in denial than to seek the truth. Cruel dictators like Hitler, Stalin, and Mao suffered corporal punishment in their childhoods and took revenge on innocent people because they denied their harsh upbringings. Of course not everyone who is beaten turn into mass murderers, but it’s still harmful anyway. Many parents continue to hit their children because they were beaten themselves and they didn’t bother to question their punishments. You might think hitting kids is “teaching them a lesson,” but the truth is it’s a way of venting the rage that a person wasn’t allowed to feel as a child since expressing anger towards a parent would get him/her in trouble. It sure didn’t teach me a lesson except to ignore my hurt feelings and hate myself. I’m glad that I was able to love myself despite what I suffered. If I didn’t transcend my pain, I probably would’ve been a substance abuser or suicidal. Not all beaten children grow up to hurt others. Some hurt themselves because they feel they don’t deserve better. Many people abuse drugs to escape the past of their horrid childhood. I’m thankful that I didn’t fall into this trap or abuse others.

Now that I’m an adult, I’m not obligated to depend on you for love and security. This dependency works for children since they don’t have much of a choice, but adults have many choices in their lives. Being dependent on an unrepentant parent is immature for an adult. I’m free to seek love elsewhere, even if it’s with me. I can now truthfully admit that I don’t love you. I don’t hate you, but I’m angry with you for the past abuses and how you still yell at me now and treat me like a child. At least I’m being honest now and not pretending to love you anymore. It would be harmful for us both if I kept lying to you. Maybe it’s best if we have some distance between us. You don’t have to believe what I said about the cruelty of hitting children; I can’t make you believe. You have the choice of agreeing or denying what I say. You even have the right to not speak to me again. I can take care of myself pretty well, and I still love myself even if you hate me for writing this letter.